Creating Sailor Mooods has been a journey. I get so nervous and see what other people do and I’m like I have to be like that because that works but my whole literal story of where I am now. Like I know it could be worse but…I went through a lot. And the fact that I got through it means other people can too. I don’t have to be a meditation guru and enlightened to help others – I am right in the middle of my journey and the whole point was never to be all-knowing but have a conversation and figure it out together? And share ideas.
I suffered from anxiety and was severely depressed for most of my life. I felt so unseen and broken; and in turn, was constantly searching for validation. This search led me to find faux ways to feel cared about. I began to have sex because I felt that I was finally wanted. It was the only way I felt close to anyone.
I chased emotionally unavailable men and suddenly got into an intense relationship. I moved back to the Bay Area with a suitcase with no more than the $3k my parents gifted me, suddenly stopped therapy and psychiatry, and left the friendships that I was rebuilding – to be with “my love”.
A shattered fairytale
A few months in, and that’s when the yelling began and I’d constantly be reminded in so many ways that I was worthless. It would happen in public, in private, even in front of his family. He’d scream and throw things; and began getting physical with me. He’d throw temper tantrums and I’d be terrified. I became suicidal and began to self-harm again, self-medicated with alcohol just to make life liveable. And because I felt like nothing, I treated myself like nothing.
Financially and emotionally drained, I thankfully was able to leave the abusive relationship. But within that time, through all of the constant pain and financial struggle, I managed to keep climbing up the job ladder, fighting and screaming to stop myself from drowning.
There is no how-to guide. There’s guidance but in the end, it is our own journey and path. No path is more or less incredible. But I can tell you that I have taken another step in my healing journey. At last, I am living my own life.
I am seen by myself, am unconditionally loved by myself, show up for myself, cheer on myself. I am my own peace and happiness – doing these things for myself means that no one can take them away, only add to them. Even though I still struggle I am madly in love with this woman I am and that I am becoming. She is a fighter. A true Queen and so fucking incredible. Every day I struggle with anxiety, depression, and intense mood swings, and every day I find ways to combat them.
What did/do I do?
- Continue to go to therapy and psychiatry and continuously take my medication
- Began to explore my spirituality
- Seeking my community/sisterhood
- Exercising and eating better
- Utilizes Mother Nature as a healer
- The resurrection of my extensive self-care routines
- Routines and structure
- Working hard to shift my inner narrative
- Care for my inner child and do shadow work
- Try to journal and write gratitudes every night
- I am also studying reiki to learn new ways I can heal myself
Creation of Sailor Mooods
So ready to feel happy for the first time since a child. I opened my eyes and mind to all the possibilities. And that is what Sailor Mooods is about. It is a place to share our journeys because healing is not linear and it is not a one size fits all. Previously, I felt that there was one path to take, and because it wasn’t working I felt like I’d always be unhappy and filled with stress. Now that I am gathering all these tools in my toolkit – I have so many options to help myself feel better. Big and small. And I want to share that with you all. My sisterhood.