You might or might not have noticed, but I am kind of on a break from social media. Social media is great, it’s a place to connect with others, learn, and share laughs. But it is also isolating, overly curated, and tiring. I thought I wanted to be a content creator, I was ready to commit. However, the more I learned, the more I felt myself straying from who I am.
Social media, Instagram specifically, began feeling like a high school purgatory. Everything being about followers and likes. Playing the game to get your numbers higher. Posting several times a day just to keep people’s attention. It doesn’t feel real to me. How is it, that if you don’t post for a few days you are suddenly irrelevant? Your follower count literally determines if people should “take you seriously or not”. We are forced to put out repetitive content just to meet numbers, and sometimes not even about the quality. I also decided, that I personally do not want to sell my life for followers or money. My healing journey is personal and is ongoing and broadcasting every step is not a part of my healing journey. I have given undeserving people access to me all of my life, and now I am practicing the art of gatekeeping myself. People will get from me what I feel comfortable giving whether it’s in person or virtually. My being is sacred, so I will begin treating myself as such.
I know that social media takes a toll on everyone’s mental health, but as someone with a constantly changing sense of self and self-worth, it was becoming hard to distinguish who was me and who was every person that I’ve come into contact with. I have always had a tendency to mirror the people around me. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism from when I was young, maybe it’s a symptom of mental illness. I do not know, but what I do know is that I often have to “take” breaks from people to just come back to the core of who I am. Without these breaks, I will literally see one thing some random person posts on Twitter and suddenly I am questioning if I am living MY life wrong (this actually just happened as I am writing this and I had to snap out of it)… And for what? Make it make sense.
Healing my own way
After the flop of the only relationship I was in, I have been desperately trying to remember who I was before. I’ve been trying to remember that I am my own person and no one has authority over me. This year is the year that I’ve finally been feeling truer and truer to myself. Through my healing within the last year shifts began to happen. When I began nurturing other parts of myself and it felt that I was betraying my followers. I started to worry that I might seem fake because I don’t talk all about spirituality. I began to see myself as not as spiritual because of the worldly things I enjoy. It became so confusing and because of this nothing felt genuine for me anymore. I stopped writing because I couldn’t help but fixate on what someone would get out of my writing. I stopped everything because I couldn’t understand or see what anyone could get out of anything I produce. Yes, it is important to think of your audience, but depending on your goal sometimes your first audience is yourself.
I have been nourishing my inner-child by mini dance parties in my apartment, watching anime, and becoming consumed by music just like old times. It is lonely, but this is as real as I can get. I am learning how to be more comfortable being myself around others, but it is not easy as I’ve spent most of my adolescence by myself. But I am learning at my own pace and I am beginning to understand that that is perfectly fine.
I started Sailor Mooods to help people feel less alone and afraid. I am not here to guide or teach but hope to offer refuge through my words, art, and experiences. I’ve learned some hard lessons, did a few 360’s, but I am here to stay to continue leaving my digital footprint in the way that is most authentic to me.
Not on Instagram, but online elsewhere
Though I am not on Instagram much and don’t plan on it, I will be existing elsewhere on the internet where I feel most comfortable. I make funny TikTok’s so you can find me there and am also beginning to use Twitter a bit more to help me get my writing out there. I think eventually I will want to resume Sister Circles, but those are on a hiatus for a while as well. Interacting with people kind of scares me and I get a bit overwhelmed by it. BUT I am working on something to act as a community “hub” and some other exciting things so stay tuned.
I hope if you’re reading this, you find something you’ve been yearning for.